


beginning of the end

by sleepystar123



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Depression, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Post-Break Up, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, car crash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 20:26:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10726596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepystar123/pseuds/sleepystar123
Summary: ONE-SHOT; in which an argument fueled by pent-up emotions and blind hurt causes the beginning of the end for vik





	beginning of the end

**Author's Note:**

> so, like, remember when i said dark themes weren't going to be a recurring thing in my works?  
> well, um, lmao. jk.  
> i have been dealing with lots of shit lately and it's got me in a very angsty mood. :) :) :)
> 
> please read the tags before you proceed if you haven't already! this is going to contain very sensitive and potentially-triggering content. be safe guys. xxx

_"you need to kill yourself."_

_"oi, kill yourself!"_

_"drink bleach, mate."_

vik's hands shook violently, as did the rest of him. sobs wracked his body, the pathetic gasps for air and quiet cries being the only noise to fill the car. though inside the car is otherwise silent, the inside of vik's head is anything but. he can't stop hearing every harsh thing the lads have ever said to him. all the mean names. all the insults. all the times they told him to kill himself. they may have been joking, but vik didn't take it as such.

it fucking  _ **hurt**_. in ways that vik couldn't even describe. it hurt everywhere. an intense ache that he couldn't do anything about. all he could do was feel it, and boy did he. he didn't understand. ethan and harry he guessed he could understand hearing things like that from. but josh? jide? even simon every now and again? they knew. they knew about the scars that ran up his wrist, and part of his forearm. they knew about the depression pills. the therapy appointments.

these past few months have been especially hard on vik. harder than he can ever remember. he had actually been doing pretty well, until his girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with him. since then, it's all been downhill, and nothing helps. the pills aren't helping. talking isn't helping. none of his usual distractions are helping. the lads, especially, aren't being of any help. 

they had tried at first, they really did. vik remembered how they were always telling him they were there for him. if he ever wanted to do anything, or talk about anything, or if he ever needed company, they were just across the corridor, or a phone call away. they would all try to cheer him up, or get him out of bed when he'd been in there for too long. they brought him food and water when they hadn't seen him eat or drink. 

but as the weeks went on, and vik only got worse, they slowly gave up. one by one, vik noticed all of them pulling away. they didn't text him as much, or check in on how he's doing often. they didn't offer to talk, or hang out, or anything else of the sort as much. they didn't drag him out of bed as much. everyone slowly got tired of vik's continuous sadness. everyone, that is, except simon. until tonight.

simon had always been the most stubborn one of the group. maybe it shouldn't have surprised vik as much as it did when simon continued to text him regularly, and knock on his door regularly, and remind him regularly that he (and all of the lads) are here for him. but it did. it really surprised vik. and he kept waiting for simon to give up, but he never did, until tonight.

earlier in the night was the beginning of the end for vik.

it had started out innocent enough. ethan and harry were over to play games with simon and josh. vik came out of his room to join them, having had enough of isolation. he needed to be around his friends. so he sat on a chair by himself, watching and occasionally cheering or laughing. things had gone on good enough, until ethan became a sore loser. everyone was having a go at him. vik even took a playful shot...

_"oh, yeah? at least i'm playing, mate. actually trying. your sad ass won't do anything but mope and half-ass shit for videos," ethan spat at vik, taking everyone by surprise._

_"woah, ethan," josh said, the first one to speak._

_"calm down, lad. that was a bit much," harry spoke afterwards, frowning._

_"maybe it wasn't," simon stated, grabbing everyone's attention. "_ _vik, mate, it's been nearly three months. look, i don't - i don't know what's going on with you; but it doesn't seem like you're even trying to be happy."_

_vik took simon's observation hard. it hit him like a slap in the face. he would've preferred simon just quietly gave up on him, rather than calling him out like this. falsely calling him out, mind you. vik could assure them he was trying his absolute hardest. everyday was an exhausting fight against his mind and emotions. he was trying, he swore he was._

_"exactly!" ethan exclaimed, gesturing to simon. "thank you! all you do is sit in your room all day, vik. you only leave when we need to film youtube videos."_

_"you guys don't know what you're talking about." vik spoke slowly, quietly. he didn't look at any of them._

_"yeah? why don't you tell us how we're wrong, then," ethan challenged._

_"i..." vik closed his mouth, swallowing hard. he tugged at the sleeves of his jumper. he didn't know how to explain it._

_"you don't have an explanation, do you?" simon asked softly. "you don't want to be happy, vik. you're choosing to be like this."_

_vik finally looked over at the lads. simon, josh, harry, and ethan. they were all looking at him. each of them wore a different expression on their face, but underneath it they were all judging him. it didn't matter what vik said. they were going to think what they wanted to no matter what._

_"i'm not going to sit here and take this," vik finally said, a bit louder than before. he stood up from his chair, and simon sighed._

_"yep, go, run away back to your room. because that's solved all your problems so far, right?" he asked sarcastically._

_something in vik snapped. he had been planning on going to his room. but if he was just going to be fucking attacked all night, maybe he should just leave._

_"you know what?" vik responded, pausing. "no, i'm fucking not going to my room. i'm not feeling very welcome in my own damn home, so maybe i'll just leave."_

_"you've brought all of this on yourself," simon snapped, not about to feel guilty for what he's said. "whether you go to your room or out that door, you're running away regardless. but go on then, do it. maybe you'll find some happiness out there."_

_"don't come back until you have," ethan adds, glaring at vik._

so vik left. ran away, as simon liked to call it. the one person who had his back, who still gave enough of a shit to try, and vik had fucked it up. not that he expected anything different. vik managed to fuck everything up.

 _"don't come back until you have."_ ethan's warning rang loudly in vik's ears. vik didn't know how to say this then, but he was taking that to heart. meaning that vik wasn't coming back to the house, ever. 

vik tried to force himself to take slow, deep breaths. he needed to calm down. at least enough to drive. after vik got somewhat of a hold on himself _—_ so he wasn't sobbing as hard, and his hands didn't shake so violently he couldn't control the car _—_ he turned the vehicle on and pulled out of the petrol station he had parked in. he didn't bother to buckle up again. vik was done with it all. he's done crying and he's done hurting and he's done being everyone's fucking punching bag.

suicidal ideation was nothing new to vik. it was a concept he knew quite well. the past month, especially, vik was very familiar with it. he found himself thinking of methods a lot. properly researching and debating the ways he could fucking off himself. he had never really settled on a way _—_ on if he would actually do it _—_ until tonight. his grip on the steering wheel tightened as vik gradually pressed harder down on the gas pedal. tonight is the fucking night.

vik's eyes darted around. he doesn't want to get pulled over, as that would ruin everything. he also doesn't want to crash into anyone. he doesn't want anyone injured. vik doesn't want to take anyone out with him. which is why he's going to find a big tree, or a big post/pole, or a fucking ditch or something, and just fucking ram into it. he'll cause some property damage, but he doesn't care about that. property can be fixed. 

it's kind of funny. vik always thought that when the time finally came, he would be much more emotional. he thought he would be scared. but vik isn't scared at all. death doesn't scare him anymore. it's funny, in a twisted way. as vik looks for the perfect thing to smash his car into, he finds himself calming down. he won't hurt anymore. he won't cry anymore. he won't be a burden on his friends anymore. everything will finally be okay.

his breath catches in his throat when he sees it. up ahead, a giant tree. it's part of a small group of trees growing a few feet from the road. vik checks to make sure there are no houses or anything nearby, then takes a deep breath as he slowly, carefully, backs up.

_"you need to kill yourself."_

he grips the steering wheel until his knuckles are white. his hands are trembling.

_"oi, kill yourself!"_

a rush of emotions filled vik as he slammed his foot down on the accelerator. 40, 50, 60+ miles per hour. he's going to fucking wreck this tree, and himself.

_"drink bleach, mate."_

everything goes black. there's a loud, indescribable sound as the large car collides with the tree, knocking it to the ground, taking a few surrounding ones down with it. it wasn't exactly drinking bleach, but it certainly gave the same end result, didn't it?

 

**Author's Note:**

> depression and suicide are very serious things. if you are struggling to handle your depression, or if you have thoughts of suicide, please reach out. you are not alone. you don't have to end everything. there is hope. here are some websites and phone numbers you can access if you need to talk.
> 
> websites:  
> http://remedylive.com/  
> https://www.iprevail.com/chat_landing  
> https://www.betterhelp.com/start/  
> https://www.7cups.com/depression-help-online/  
> https://www.chatzy.com/therapy
> 
> phone numbers  
> us & uk list of numbers: https://psychcentral.com/lib/telephone-hotlines-and-help-lines/  
> numbers for each us state: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html  
> numbers for places outside of the us & uk: http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html  
> another international list: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
> 
> text numbers  
> text 'ANSWER' to 839863 (i think this is just for the US)


End file.
